and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
