can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
