There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
