i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
