one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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