actually, I'm a sock model
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
No more Irish car bombs ever.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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