i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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