I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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