i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
