Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
