spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
