Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
