I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
