I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
