i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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