Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
