Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
This baby is an asshole
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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