i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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