And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
