i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
