I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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