HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
