I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
