My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
