I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
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Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
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Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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