Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
