I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
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Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
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I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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