I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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