failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
