wakey wakey hands off snakey
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
