I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize