I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
