I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My vagina just clenched in fear
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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