So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
