So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
