fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
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