the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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