Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
