I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Randomize
