no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
