if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
