go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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