We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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