And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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