God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
