I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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