she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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