Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
