just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
