This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
