I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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