Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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