Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
