we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
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